It’s been a few months since I’ve written a blog post. I haven’t really felt that I could do all that much, because I’ve been sitting at the bottom of a well. Figuratively speaking, of course, as I have no idea where to find a well in Vancouver. There have been a few similarities though. It’s pretty dark, I’ve felt closed in and trapped, and it has been more than a little damp, thanks to a lot of crying.
I had my first breakup. Because I never seem to be able to do the normal things in life without phasing them become weird and dramatic, this breakup blew some bigger chunks than I was expecting. Here’s a rundown on some of the problems:
- I left Australia because my dog died, but I moved to Vancouver to be closer to him
- he needs to rebuild his life as much as I do
- most of my new friends are his friends too
- I have never had enough money to make ends meet while living here, so that was added strain on our relationship
- he wanted to practise non-monogamy, which was fine while we were both travelling, but presented a number of problems when we were living in the same city
- the entire time I’ve been here, we both knew he had to move to Europe for work
- I love him and still want to be with him somehow
- he loves me, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me at the moment
Now, don’t get me wrong and assume I’m lynching the poor guy. He’s having a really rubbish time of this too, and is not a bad guy. He’s pretty wonderful actually, which is why I’m so cut up about all of this ending.
We’ve also been breaking up for over two months now. We broke up, kind of got back together ish, totally broke up, tried to be friends (his idea), became friendlier, I had a meltdown and said I couldn’t see him anymore at all, we became friends again, we had a beautiful goodbye, I saw him at a dance with another woman two days later, had a breakdown, and told him we really couldn’t be friends, as I needed to fall out of love with him. How’s that for a run on sentence?
He leaves for Europe in two days, and all I want to do is call him, tell him I’m sorry, tell him I’ll be there for him and support him in any way I can. I want to hug him until it stops hurting, and until he knows I’ll be there for him no matter what. Unfortunately, that can’t happen. The decision I made was horrible, but the fact remains that I can’t keep living like this. I’m either working, socialising a little, or crying at home. I’m extremely emotionally unhealthy.
I haven’t written about him on my blog before, as I wanted to keep our relationship private. I still do, mostly, but I need some kind of catharsis. I love this man, and I need to either find a way to stop, or find a way to live with the love without it tearing me into pieces.
I’m at the bottom of the well, but I’m trying to see the light at the top.
deaddogdiary 