Teach Your Children Well

I don’t have children. I’m a 25 year old woman, so unfortunately I receive a lot of queries about my child bearing status. It’s never questions like “do you want to have children?” This is assumed. It’s more questions like “when are you going to have kids?” Time is, apparently, ticking. This interesting assumption is worthy of a number of blog posts for a number of different reasons, but it is not the subject of today’s post. I merely wanted to say I don’t have children, I don’t know whether I will have children, and I am certainly no expert in child rearing. I’m aware of my lack of expertise, so what I’m about to say is not the sage advice of a deluded 20-something, but the observations of a concerned member of society.

Teach your children well. It’s not a new message, I know, but it’s one that seems increasingly relevant. Children are delightful, if inexplicably gooey, sponges. They see or hear something, and they learn from it. If you’re a parent, I don’t need to be telling you this. Your child has watched you put on makeup and jewellery, then a few days later you find them in the middle of your bedroom, looking like a very decorated incarnation of the Joker. You’ve accidentally sworn in front of them, and suddenly fuck becomes their favourite word. They learn to “fit in” by walking, talking, dressing and acting like other people.

Try to make sure the influences in your child’s life are largely positive. I know this is not always possible (there’s always that random kid at school who’s mission it is to teach every other kid all the swear words), but try. You won’t be able to make every decision for them in life, but at least give them a clean slate to make their own bad decisions. Then, if they turn out to be a homicidal maniac, you can blame society. Children watch and learn, so if they see things as normal, they’ll absorb those norms.

There are the little things they observe like girls being praised for their looks and boys being told to man up, or being encouraged to stop doing something creative because it’s a waste of time. These things start the ball rolling for ideological beliefs that can have huge societal impact down the line. Then there are the bigger things.

Don’t let your child grow up thinking it’s normal to abuse their partner. Children learn. If they see their dad drinking excessively every night, they won’t have a normal grasp on an acceptable amount of alcohol. If dad shouts at mum all the time, calling her a slut, a whore, telling her she’s lazy and just using him for his money, the child will think this is how relationships work. If dad hits mum when she’s out of line, they’ll see that’s how men are supposed to treat women. If they see their mother become a shell of a person, afraid of slipping up and bringing attention to themselves, they will think this is how women should behave.

I’m focusing on male violence towards women here because of a particular case I have a bearing in at the moment. I know Not All Men abuse women and treat them badly, but for goodness sake Yes All Women know the effect of this inherited power imbalance. Don’t let a little boy grow up thinking that getting wasted every night and slapping his woman around is normal. Don’t let a girl grow up thinking she has to submit to this kind of behaviour.

If you feel you can’t escape, I am truly sorry. I know the fear is enormous and very real. I wish I could post a link to this story for a truly excellent women’s refuge centre, or a government body who could stop your partner from following you and your kids when you leave. If you leave, things might be hard. If you stay, things will definitely be hard. You child will grow up, meet other people, maybe fall in love. Maybe they’ll beat the adversity of their upbringing and be a genuine, kind and strong person. Or maybe they’ll punch their wife’s face, telling her if they wanted to kill her, they could.

Please, teach your children well.